Christmas

The last several months have been wrecked with financial problems for me. This will be the first Christmas since I was a young mother of 17 that there were no Christmas presents under the tree. As the holiday approaches I feel more sad about it. Yet I haven't been able to find a way to make quick cash.

I've scoured the want ads looking for someone needing some kind of help that I could provide. I had anticipated overtime at work other wise I would have taken an extra job for a few months. Usually right before Christmas we have tons of overtime and this year it just never happened. By the time I realized it wasn't going to happen at all it was too late.

With all the other financial troubles I'm having I guess Christmas is the least of them. The Financial burdens have really left me very stressed out for months. I feel like I have almost a constant pressure in my chest.

Well I just got a promotion at work and so that will help a little. Some great things happened to me this month and for those great things I'm grateful, very grateful. I just wish that I could fastforward past Christmas. What's it going to be like to have an empty tree on Christmas morning. Christmas is my favorite holiday. It always has been. My parents gave us a huge Christmas every year. It was the one day of the year that I could always count on feeling happy and where my whole family was happy together. I guess that is why it is so special to me. Somehow I need to capture that feeling and keep it alive in spite of the emptiness beneath the tree.

Ack! I Want to Watch My Favorite Show!!!

How dare they strike eh? Think the Writers Guild strike just means you wont get to watch as many episodes of your favorite show? Think again! There is a lot more to it than some missed episodes! Click here to get the real reason behind the strike I don't think they're asking for a lot. What's more, these girls and guys deserve this! They're just asking for what should be rightfully theirs! I for one really hope they get it!

Some Thoughts

I know I haven't been writing much. I think I've been depressed. Although I don't feel depressed in my mind all that much my body says otherwise. I'm trying to combat that with exercise and eating healthy. I've always battled depression. This is nothing new for me. I don't like to take medication if I can help it. So I'm trying very hard to focus on other things that I know help with depression. I'm still dragging but I keep moving forward.

What sent me into the depression was when something happened to my daughter. It was life threatening and traumatic. I felt literally traumatized after the fact. I was most grateful that she was okay but the whole situation just left me feeling sad and insecure about life. It was a clear reminder to our inability to control the world around us. It was a clear reminder that there is just as much bad in the world as there is good.

It makes me sad that I can't keep my daughter safe. It makes me sad that I've spent all these years teaching her and now here she is a teenager...and well that pretty much says it all, wouldn't you agree?

I'm sad that she no longer looks at what I say with complete trust and belief as she once did. I'm sad that she is growing up and I have to allow her space to move around among the wolves. She's my baby the last of my "litter" and she is the most like me and in many ways that scares me. I can't tell you how hard headed I was and how long it took me to learn my lessons. I can't tell you how many stupid mistakes I made and how carelessly and carefree I moved through life. I can't tell you how little regard I held for my future and lived each moment for the moment.

She is so much like me that way. I'm sad that she is because I know how hard life is going to be for her. I don't know how to change that for the one thing I know about her and I is that we listen to our own inner guide and don't take anyone else seriously. We have this talent at laughing off advice and going our own way. We learn the hard way. The apple didn't fall very far from the tree at all!

It's in the Special Sauce

It's been ages since I've written in here. So much has been going on in my life good and horrible.

I changed some of my hours at work well really only the weekends so I get home at 6:30 on Saturdays and Sundays which is nice because it gives me more time to spend with my daughter. What's more I get to come home and cook dinner and actually sit down and have dinner with her which is really nice. Usually I'm eating dinner at work, grabbing something from the vending machine or the corner store. It seems on my day off she is rarely home at dinner time so its rare that we share meals together.

It gets lonely always eating alone and I never cook because I have no desire to cook for myself. I like cooking for others though. There is just something special about that.

So last night I was home and cooked dinner for she and I. I cooked our favorite dish a beef dish that I created years ago. I have a funny story about this dish for years I made a special sauce for this dish using tomato paste, water, sugar and vinegar. Then one day I was in the middle of making this meal when I realized I didn't have any tomato paste. In a frenzy I looked through the cabinets trying to decide what I could substitute the sauce with. I opened the fridge and I saw the ketchup bottle there and at that precise moment when I thought of all the ingredients of my special sauce I realized I had been making ketchup all along! So I decided to use the ketchup and see how it came out. Well I have to tell you it came out even better with the ketchup and it was a whole lot less work!

Now I always joke about my special secret ingredient. I've learned not to tell though. If you tell then people immediately think its going to taste odd but if you let them taste it they always rave about how good it is. Then I don't have the heart to tell them about my special sauce's main ingredients.

Challenges

I've been going through some things lately that have really challenged me. Having to move past fears to go after a dream. Having to persevere and not allow my sensitivity to get in the way. It's all been a valuable life lesson. All of this and still have no guarantee that the outcome will be what I'm hoping. I still face the possibility of rejection and yet I still must persevere. However, whatever happens I will always have the lessons learned from the process. I will still have the experience of trudging upstream doing all I can to make my dreams come true, fighting against my fears and moving consistently upstream. That is worth its weight in gold alone!

You Can't Make this Stuff Up

While out for my walk today these are just a few of the things I saw. You just can't make this stuff up!



Guess this guy wanted to get out in a hurry.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, eh?

Rain Rain Go Away

Gee I'm kind of bummed that it rained all day. I had intended to cook out on my charcoal grill and then tonight attend the fireworks. I didn't get to do either. This was the first fourth of July I've had off in a long time and I really was looking forward to having some fun. Darn!

I had read some steak cooking tips online and I was psyched. I love a good steak and as poor as I am I still will splurge on a nice thick steak from time to time. Especially one grilled to perfection on the grill.

I really wanted to take pictures of the fireworks with my new camera tonight. I so love that camera and can't get enough picture taking but the fireworks just weren't in the cards this year. The other day I went somewhere and saw fireworks unexpectedly and go figure I had planned to bring my camera but I had forgotten. Hopefully next year will be better and I'll get to take some pictures!

Just Some Pics from this Past Weekend

Crash Takes Lives of 5 Newly Graduated Girls

In a town in upstate NY five teenage girls were killed when the SUV they were driving hit a tractor trailer. The girls were the same age as my oldest daughter and had just graduated last Thursday. Five young beautiful women with what should have been their whole lives in front of them. This news makes me feel very sad. It's a parents worst nightmare and I know myself since the day my daughter started driving I feel like I've been holding my breath. I pray every time she leaves the house that she'll be safe.

I'm reminded of a woman who had kept a blog a few years back who lost both of her teenage daughters in a car crash. I can't imagine. How does one go on after that? I don't know that I could. There are not many things that I can't get through but that is something I know I'd rather be dead then to deal with.

I think of those five families who lost their newly graduated daughters and my heart goes out to them. I wish there were something I could do and yet I know that there is nothing for if I were in their shoes there would be no consoling me.

So the only thing I can think to offer is my prayers that God carry them through this and comfort them in there time of need.

Graduation

Yesterday was my daughter's big day! She graduated and I'm so proud of her! It was a wonderful day! The weather was perfect and the temperature was superb! I took about 350 pictures of the event. She had a class of over 450 so it was a rather long procession.

It was funny sitting there listening to the names of the graduating class. Some of the kids I knew and hadn't seen in years since they were little, others I've watched grow up with my daughter but still remember them when they were small and giggly. Now here they all were graduating.

It's amazing to me how quickly time passes, how just a short time a go she was a little girl who wouldn't fall asleep unless I brought her into my bed and held her next to me. Then I'd carry her into her bed for the night. Wasn't it just yesterday that she tried to help me carry in the groceries and in all of her four year old strength she dropped the bag and broke the jelly jar? Wasn't it just a short time ago that she was afraid of monsters and I'd have to reassure her night after night that there were no monsters and that she was safe. I'm sure it was only yesterday when she stood up and proudly announced, "I'm going to be a fire woman, a policewoman and a doctor when I grow up!" Then there was the time she forgot her homework in her father's car and he went to work. She disciplined herself that night and made herself write 100 times, "I will not forget my homework." Then she got up an hour early and did the homework in the morning when she could retrieve it from her father's car. She was all of 8 years old then. When was it that I stopped tripping over Barbies and just when did I stop brushing her hair? And now here she is newly graduated, driving her own car, in love with a boy and soon going off to college to be a teacher.

So I stood there watching my daughter graduate with an overwhelming mixture of emotion. I was proud, so very proud and at the same time I was sad. Sad that she didn't need me to shu away the monsters anymore, nor to brush her hair or to buy her the latest Barbie. Yet so proud of the young woman she had become.

I don't think we ever realize how quickly they'll turn into adults nor how hard it is to let them go. As parents we sacrifice and give up everything for them and focus so much on making their lives everything we imagine it should be. We focus so hard that we seem to forget that the day will come when we wont need to be so focused. Then we stand there full of pride and happiness and yet full of sadness. Yet I suppose we wouldn't have it any other way!

Thoughts on Love

I'm signed up on one of those networking sites. My friend invited me and so I signed up so she could earn some points. So far it's been pretty boring. I wrote in my profile there that I'm only looking for friends yet I get messages every day from men professing their love to me. Silly boys! How does one fall in love with a profile anyway?

Anyway, a guy wrote to me this morning, "When you love a woman you see your whole world in her eyes." I thought that was a very beautiful sentiment and wanted to share it. It's really true too. When you love someone you do tend to see the world in their eyes and you see them in everything. They seep into your life and fill up your world while surrounding you and you are thrilled to be surrounded by them as you bathe in sweet thoughts and memories of them.

End of the Year School Events

I snapped this picture on my way home from sending my daughter off to prom. It's been a bit hectic around here as the end of the school year approaches.

First we had prom night. My daughter dressed in a fuscia dress looking every bit of a princess went off to the senior prom with her high school sweetheart. She looked so beautiful, happy and excited. I was so happy for her to have that night.

I never experienced a senior prom or most of the fun things that teenagers experience. It makes me so happy to see my own children have that fun and that normal high school experience. I would post pictures here but I'm not really comfortable with posting my children's pictures here on my blog. My younger daughter had her formal dance this past week and she looked just gorgeous! Both of my daughters are very beautiful and I am so very proud of them and so happy for the wonderful time they are having now in their teenage years!

My older daughter graduates in a couple of weeks. I am so proud of her! I didn't graduate high school myself. I did go back and take the GED test later and then went to college for about a year but I didn't attend high school and earn my diploma. My own parents didn't graduate either. They were married at age 16. I left home at age 16 and went out on my own.

So for me this means so much! She's finally breaking the cycle! I'm so excited and proud about this! We received her cap and gown the other day and I stood there with tears in my eyes. I was just so full of happiness and pride! I could just burst!

Sucker Punched!

Sometimes life throws your curves. Yes, sometimes you're just driving along minding your own business and a tree falls on your new car that you've only made one payment on so far and that has no collision insurance. Yeah sometimes life can really sucker punch you.

I'm very sad my new sweet ride is damaged. I loved this car! I was so proud of it and now it's damaged! I cant even shut the trunk and I have to drive around with it bungee corded shut where it clunk clunks down the road. Yes I'm very saddened by these events!

I can't afford to fix it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I actually am quite perplexed as to the solution. I can't even wash the car cause the trunk wont shut and today it is supposed to rain. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a bit down in the dumps about the whole ordeal as you might imagine.

Don't get me wrong I'm counting my blessings. When it first happened I thought the tree was going to hit me personally and was quite relieved that it only fell on my trunk. I'm also grateful that it didn't break my rear windshield. Yes, I'm grateful to be alive and I know a car is just a car but sheesh I've only made one payment. What do I do now?

Walk by the River

Was out down at the river earlier today again. My daughter and I went hiking for a couple of hours. We had a great time until I kind of got us temporarily lost. Well not exactly lost because I knew the way out and could back track but we were following trails and the trail we were following stopped because there were trees down and you couldn't go any further. I tried go around them figuring I could find the trail on the other side which I never did and then tried to find my way out of the woods from a different angle however we couldn't go the way we wanted because there was too much thicket. My daughter didn't appreciate all the extra walking this led to as we had to back track and go all the way back. In truth neither did I because I was exhausted because this meant I had to make the uphill journey twice. I have a hard time with hills because of my asthma. Also it was thundering out and I was worried about getting caught in a storm. So I was trying to rush which didn't make it any easier for me to breathe. Of course my daughter being a teenager just had to complain! All in all though we had a great time!
The lesson was that some times the path less traveled is less traveled for a reason! LOL Here are some pics:

New Car

Here's a shot of my new car. Isn't she sweet?!!

No Matter What

No matter what happens, no matter what you lose, no matter what failures you must endure, you must keep faith in yourself. Then you can stand up to crises, with calm and courage, refusing to buckle; then you will not fall through the floor. You will be able to support yourself.
~Maxwell Maltz Author of "Psycho-Cybernetics"

Ducks

Remember the pond by my house? The one all frozen over. Look at it now! If you click on this to make it large you can see two ducks leisurely floating by together like two lovers out for a sail. I so love spring!

EDIT> A dear friend pointed out to me that these are not ducks they are Canadian Geese. Yes I knew that but I thought you could call geese ducks. So I stand corrected. These are geese not ducks.

Beautiful Day

My girls and I had a rough morning long sad story and I wont bore you with the details. Anyway, to make us feel better we spent the day together enjoying one another's company but not all together at the same time. First I had some one on one time with my older daughter and then I spent some quality time alone with my younger daughter. It turned out to be a nice day for us all. Me and my younger daughter ventured down to the river and had our dinner there. The weather was spectacular! I thought I'd record some of the pics we took just because they were so beautiful.






I think the river is one of my favorite places in the world. I love to go there with the people I feel closest to and just enjoy the atmosphere. I'd love to have a home overlooking the river. That would be splendid.

Old PA Law Shuts Down Fortune Tellers

I read yesterday that Pennsylvania shut down all of the fortune telling and psychic businesses in the state because of an old law on the book that bans earning money through telling fortunes or using psychic capabilities. So I'm just wondering one thing. Since they are psychic and all didn't they see that coming?

Please Help

Please help my very dear friend's family member out with this! This is a very good cause so I thought I would ask you all to help out too! Please visit here and do what you can! Click on this paragraph to fight against breast cancer. This is a cause near and dear to my heart because I lost a friend to this disease a couple of years ago. Do what you can, every little bit helps!

Yay Spring

Well apparently I have not had too many of those "other thoughts" lately LOL! As you can see I haven't written here lately. I guess Ive been quietly reflecting. Sometimes I need to do this. Sometimes I need to get quiet even with myself and so that is what I have been doing. In the meantime the weather has just been beautiful as of late! I've been enjoying that as I'm sure the rest of you have as well. Here's a picture I took just a few weeks ago of the pond near my house. My goodness how quickly that view has changed! Happy Spring everyone!

Michael

Before I run off to have Easter Dinner out with my children I thought I would sneak in a post and wish all who celebrate Easter a joyous and peaceful Easter!

A wonderful realization occurred to me today but first let me give you some background. When I was 18 the man I lived with and whom fathered my child died in a car accident. This was actually my second boyfriend to die, a fact which is not relevant to this story, mind you but bears mentioning.

In any event, Michael died on March 28, 1981. It was as you might imagine a very sad day for me. I never realized it at the time but I held myself responsible for his death. A couple of years ago I confronted those feelings by going back to the place of his death and I spoke to him as if he could hear me. I asked him to forgive me and somewhere in there I forgave myself as well.

Every year on March 28th I would feel sad and I would think of Michael and deep inside I would feel responsible for this loss. I just realized today that is is April 8th and March 28th passed right by me and I never even noticed. That was the first time in over 20 years that I missed that date!

Not that I ever want to forget Michael. I want to keep him alive in my heart until I die but I'm happy that I missed the anniversary of his death! I am happy that I am finally at peace with this. I feel that Michael is at peace now too for I'm not holding on to him any longer. I wish I could have known all I know now years ago! This type of healing is exactly what I want to help others accomplish but in a whole lot less time!

To Michael, you will always reside in my heart I will cherish the happy memories I have of you and always remember your beautiful green eyes and your long black shiny hair that I used to love to comb for you. I'll always remember your smile and the way you used to clean our house for us while I was out! I'll always cherish too the way you adored my pregnant belly and how beautiful you made me feel in my huge swollen form. Rest in peace my friend!

Tagged

This is a tag from my friend Sophia who keeps a much neater desk than I do I might point out! This is my desk where I do all of my posting and other writing from.

Now I'm supposed to name what's on it this could take me all day! Well to the left is my HP photosmart printer. It's a printer for my digital pictures for anyone who doesn't know then there is my phone, my cable modem, my vonage box (voip) my router and the two cds I'm listening to this evening, a glass of Diet Pepsi, my keyboard and mouse and a jar of vaseline to keep my hands soft. Above all of that from right to left is my box of stuff--yeah all kinds of little things can be found in there from artificial sweetners to stamps. Next to that is my daily vitimins that I usually forget to take, my monitor, the books I'm currently reading. I never read one at a time but usually have at least three going at the same time, a candle, and of course the brains of my pc, above that is my printer, some back up ink for my photo printer, my tower of cds, and a speaker on the left. On the top right is another speaker some misc cd roms, and books, hand cream, a stapler, pens, tape, a little gift bag from a Christmas gift from one of my dearest friends and a box of matches from another dear friend and a paper weight made by my youngest daughter.

And there you have it. Fortunately this is my desk in a clean state. As you can see it's still quite cluttered. I just can't seem to part with any of it! LOL

Now I tag everyone on my link list to do the same! And anyone else who would like to join in! Go ahead it's fun!

Friends for an Hour

I met an interesting woman today. At first I was annoyed because I had planned to sit and read my book while waiting for the dentist to work on my girls and she was interrupting my plans with her chatter.

As it turned out I never caught her name nor she mine. She was in her seventies she said but she didn’t look over 60 at the most! She lost her husband last August and I think she is very lonely without him. It was obvious that she loved him deeply. They were married just a half a year shy of fifty years when he died. She told me of her ordeal at having him in a nursing home four hours from her home and how she stayed down here in our area to be with him. There was so much pain and frustration in her voice when she spoke of the abuse he had to endure at the nursing home. Just hearing her story made me feel so angry. Surely something can be done about such crimes!

Apparently she took it to the papers and the tv! Good for her!

I was thinking about this and I thought they should have a separate advocacy group whose job it is to go in and be certain that things are going okay. Each nursing home should have an advocate assigned to them and they should go in and just watch and make sure that things are going as they should and that the patients are getting adequate care and being treated in a dignified manner.

I used to work in a nursing home. It was one of the better nursing home, a real classy place but one of the things that we were heavily trained in was recognizing abuse and who to call in such a case. It was very important to those running the home that we all watch our for abuse. This is truly how it should be!

Anyway, this woman told me bits and pieces of her life. She came from Germany and taught herself to read and write English because her husband wouldn’t allow her to go to school. She told me he said, “I can’t let you go to school because then you’ll be smarter than me!” Well they were old school and that would have been acceptable back then. Still she spoke very good English and seemed to read well too as she was sharing bits of the Newspaper she held in her hand with me.

She drives herself four hours to come to this dentist. Imagine she is in her seventies and she takes a drive like that just to see this specific dentist! I couldn’t help but admire her spunk!

We laughed a lot and I found this conversation with a stranger quite intriguing and delightful. At one point she told me how much she loves to go out to dinner and to have a glass of wine and to be waited on. She said, “They should have young male escorts! You know like they do with the lady escorts. Just someone who can make conversation for an hour while we have dinner.” We both laughed about the thought of this. I agreed there should be male escorts too. Why not?!!


I also sensed that she needed this little hour chat that we had and perhaps today I did too. When the dentist called her in I heard her tell him how our little chat had made her day. Funny but I realized it had made my day too! I was really glad that she had interrupted my reading and was sad when she had to leave. I felt a sort of kindredship with her, just two strangers who accidentally touched one another’s lives for an hour and funny but I have a feeling I will remember her for a long time to come…

Love Stories

Finally a love story that doesn’t break my heart and leave me crying half the night! I watched The Notebook the other day…twice. It was a delightful little love story that leaves you feeling good in the end. Even with the ending that could be construed as sad, I found it happy! Well I wont say why just in case I’m not the very last person on earth to see this movie.

I adore love stories! I have all of my life but it always seems like they end sadly. My all time favorite is Love Story Oh that story broke my heart at around age 17 when I first read it. Then there was, Ode to Billy Joe God I cried all night when I laid that book down! I didn’t even know love yet but I knew its heartbreak from the books I managed to consume.

In recent years The Bridges of Madison County really left me crying.. I kid you not! The first time I saw that movie I balled like a baby for a good half an hour! Love is such a difficult thing for one to get one's hands on. I’m talking about a love of two souls who just seem to fit together in all of the right ways, soul mates, true awe inspiring love! We all know how difficult that is to find, how we spend sometimes our whole lives in search of it. That’s why it’s dreadfully painful to watch people grasp it only to let it slip though their fingers or worse choose to toss it away!

Even with all of that heartbreak I still prefer a really good love story any day to any other kind of story. So this time it was such a pleasant surprise to find such a delightful love story that didn’t leave me with a broken heart! Though the story does threaten to rip your heart out at one point, it later somehow manages just to give you a good scare which makes the happiness at the end all the more fulfilling. The Notebook is a Great story! Not necessarily a great movie if you consider some shoddy acting on some of the lesser characters and an ending that lagged but the story itself was wonderful!

Blizzard

I was listening to my Ozzy Osborne CD today. I haven’t listened to him in such a long time I had forgotten how much I love his music. Ozzy did an interesting thing, which is the one thing I love about his music. He combined the sound of classical music with heavy rock. It just sounds so awesome that I could easily lose myself listening to it. It’s beautiful and passionate as music should be. I guess a lot of people wouldn’t agree with me on that note.

Anyway I was listening to my Blizzard of Oz CD which somehow seems appropriate today!
We are buried this morning in a great deal of snow and the kids are not happy about shoveling! Although usually its my youngest who resists the strongest, today my older one is giving me a hard time. I think her hormones are out of whack today. Ugh! Teenagers they sometimes seem like they are from another planet, happy one moment and full of drama the next.

Well in all fairness it’s a tough job. The picture above is my car buried. Ugh.I wish we had one more shovel than all three of us could shovel at the same time. I have to be to work by two. Will I make it???

Rejoicing!

Wow the weather is beautiful here today! Tonight at work me and one of my friends went out for a walk. He talked me into leaving my coat behind. I was glad I did because I was quite warm after the walk! It must have been sixty degrees out! I am so happy to feel the warmth! I'm glad my friend talked me into the walk!

Every year I feel like I hibernate until spring. I tend to get depressed during the winter months but once spring comes I feel rejuvenated and can't wait to get outside. I know the cold weather isn't totally gone yet but I'm rejoicing in this lovely weather and finding solace in knowing spring is surely on it's way!

Tomorrow I'm going out for a five mile walk. I can't wait! It's so nice to get outside again! I've always enjoyed walking. In recent years though I've been a bit discouraged because I live on the side of a small mountain and I have asthma so walking back up is really uncomfortable for me. I'm not sure what to do about that but this year I intend to get back into the full swing of walking again even if I have to drive somewhere to walk. I find walking is good for many aspects of my life, my soul, my body, including staying in shape and keeping healthy and now today I read that exercise is very good for your brain! So all the more reason to get back into full swing with the walking!

Driving Lessons

I spent the afternoon teaching my friend's daughter how to parallel park. She is preparing for her driver's test at the end of the month. I don't think she is at all ready for that! My friend who has lots of wonderful qualities, patience not being one of them probably wasn't doing much for her daughter's confidence. I told her I thought she'd do much better when we took out my car and her mother wasn't in the back seat. It's not an easy thing to teach your own child to drive. Parents ought to trade off kids for this task!

I did take her out with my car a little after we dropped her Mom off. She did pretty good but she has some learning to do. So I'm going to try and take her out as much as possible over the next two weeks to prepare her.

I thought I was done with this for awhile since my youngest is 14 I'd have two more years to recuperate from teaching my other daughter. No such luck I guess. LOL It's not so bad. I mean aside from the heart attacks I kind of like teaching people how to do things. What's more this girl, is like one of my family. Her mother and I have been friends since we were teens! She's been there for me many times. So it's always nice when I can give something back!

Banking Error

Tonight I was let out of work about a half an hour early because we were a bit slow. So I headed over to the bank to withdraw money I needed to pay a few bills.

I drive up to the ATM and proceed through the process of withdrawing money. That is until it spits my card back out and tells me I've exceeded my daily withdrawal limit. Well I haven't withdrawn in two days! So I check my balance. There was a zero balance!!! I checked my secondary account and it had my one hundred dollars that I had transfered the other day but my main account said 0. One hundred dollars wasn't going to take me very far!

Right away I started thinking about the online purchases I made recently and the time I gave my credit card number over the phone. In my state of panic I was confusing my credit card with my banking card. I don't use my banking card for purchases! So the information couldn't have been stolen. I only have one card and I have it with me at all times. I'm very careful never to leave my purse unattended anywhere. Realizing this gave me a little hope. However hope or not I still had a zero balance!

So I drive away. I go to the store pick up a few things with the little money I have in my pocket. The whole time I'm in the store I feel like I'm in a dream...a bad dream! I am friendly and courteous with people there but really I don't want to have to smile at that moment, still I do. It doesn't give me the happy feeling smiling usually does. I finish up my shopping and and go home.

As I drive into the driveway I remember that the bank's call center was open on holidays so I thought maybe it would be open late at night too. I grab the groceries out of the car and throw them in the entry way, leaving them on the floor. I rush into my bedroom sit down at my desk and in my high state of anxiety I fumble with my keys for several minutes trying to open my file cabinet. Finally I manage to get it open and pull out the bank folder.(Note to self: Remember to thank my dear friend who always encourages me to get organized. Otherwise I never would have found the bank info) I open it up and easily locate the phone number. Yes! Sure enough it has a 24/7 call center. What awesome luck! So I call.

Of course all representatives are busy. I sit on hold for at least twenty minutes listening to some really bad elevator music and I realize I still have my coat on. I can't bring myself to take it off as if taking it off will somehow distract me from my mission.

Finally an older woman with a southern accent and a friendly demeanor answers the phone. She looks up my account and tells me I still have the amount in that I was supposed to have. She couldn't tell me why the ATM said I had no money in that account. I asked her if she was sure. Well she wouldn't guarentee it but she showed that the last withdrawal on the account was on March 2nd for $450. Which was correct by my accounts.

So I guess I can sleep tonight after all. Boy was I scared! Still I wont feel really good until I go to the bank tomorrow and see for myself. Oh what a night!

Kindness in an Unexpected Place

Today something little happened that was very kind and touched me in a big way. You may recall I wrote about one of the grocery stores I frequent. It's a place where the food is a lot less expensive. Where you have to bring or buy your own bags and you have to bag your own groceries. What's more you have to deposit a quarter in the cart to use them. You get the quarter back when you return it to it's rightful place. I had written in here before about how people scarf up the carts if anyone dares leave them behind. Often you get the feeling of desperation there. Most people who shop there are people of little means.

Anyway, as soon as I pulled up some lady asked me if I wanted her cart. So I went into my pocket to get her a quarter and she said, "Oh no I don't want the quarter." So we went in the store shopped and as I was in line to check out some couple that was leaving, looked at me and asked, "Would you like some bags. We bought too many."
"Sure," I said. She handed me six bags and left. Even the clerk was amazed. Then I told her about the cart and she was shocked. She works there and she said she never sees any generosity in the place.

It made me feel really good to find such kindness and generosity there in a place that I know so well for it's desperation. Of course I must pay this forward, though I usually do try and do that anyway. It really made my day!